I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
