we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
