Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
