Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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