It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
