finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
