there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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