Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
