I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
