Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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