Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
