I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Come back. Shots need mouths.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
