While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
