The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
