I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
