I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
