I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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