But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
