She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
