I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
