you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
