i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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