my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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