All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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