this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
