Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
