So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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