I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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