I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
