allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
