I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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