I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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