omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
