I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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