Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
