mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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