omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
