Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you had me at cake vodka
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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