Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
