He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
