He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
