I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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