I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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