I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
