how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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