Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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