I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
