u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
