plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
