So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
