Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
