So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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