Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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