did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
